Yes, sometimes I lie. Sometimes I hide my feelings ans thoughts. Sometimes I have to make a living out of lying and pretending I’m someone else. We’re all humans after all, we’ve been raised on lies and we’ve been lying ever since we started communicating.
Over the last few years, I decided to treasure honesty more than any other value I know. I started to look at honesty as part of discovering and meditating the self. I still lie to people and still hide my inner self and the outer self to everyone. I wear make up from time to time, I wear scarves and leaves to hide my scars, I even wear shades to hide my tears.
I decided to start being honest with myself and the rest follows (will eventually follow).Every time I have a serious conversation with myself, I say the whole truth, I talk about my real fears and my real agonies. I talk directly from the heart and from the drunken mind. Every time I speak to my friends, I think of the truth, the honesty I’m going to talk with and use as a serious weapon. Sometimes I cannot use these weapons, but I can try.
With other people, being honest is one of the most difficult challenges. With the self, it’s one of the scariest challenges. Once you open up to yourself, you’ll get used to it. Sometimes I have use all of my inner powers, and dig deep into my thoughts to find the key to the most honest story to tell my self.
When I’m with people, I don’t have to dig deep. I just need to focus on the truth that hurts and the one that doesn’t. I have to evaluate the thoughts, and mostly be creative. But I try. And I can try more.
Take one of the last topics I wrote about on this blog, he one about Ramadan. It took me a while thinking about publishing or not publishing it. It came with an aggressive and disrespectful tone that I’m not proud of. But it was all about my honest opinion and I need to share my honest opinion. It was the truth behind my thoughts. And I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. If someone can’t handle this kind of truth then there’s nothing I can do except try to become the respectful person I try to be.
How to be respectful and honest at the same time? that is the challenge. How to be honest and protect others, and mostly protect the self?
With honesty comes great responsibility. With honest comes consequences I cannot deal with. And thus I try to be honest, at least with myself, and the rest will indeed follow, but a bit by bit, not all at once, and not always complete.