From Rome with Love

I just wanted to share pictures from my last trip to the magical city of Rome.

Because I don’t have enough money and time, I hardly ever travel. So yes, I’m making a huge deal out of my trip to Rome.

It was a spectacular visit.

I took many pictures with my DSLR camera, but I’m only sharing pictures I took with my phone.

 

New beginnings, in a new home

Last weekend I left a very beautiful apartment that I loved, to a smaller and less appealing apartment.

I wasn’t at all excited for the move, but it is the right decision, and I will be grateful for that later.

The story behind the move is long and distressing, but it’s a new beginning that will be beautiful.

I’m not really being positive and optimistic, I’m just stating facts about the whole situation. That’s why it’s a long story.

 

So I moved. I live now in a new home. And an adventure awaits me.

Resolutions revisited

I’ve been thinking about something recently, and I want to write about it.

Do you remember the new year’s resolutions I wrote?  I’m going to list them here again, and talk about what is it to be improve the self.

1. Lose weight (and workout more).  Only work out when I can make time, and just try to be healthy. 
2. No more wasting money on clothes (which don’t fit me that well).  Be smarter about clothes. I don’t need many, but it’s okay to buy clothes that are appropriate and comfortable.
3. Study more. Just a bit more.
4. Go out less. (it’s not like I go out a lot, and it’s not like I’m missing anything out there).
5. Reduce the number of my friends. Not all of them are worth it (no worries, my friends don’t really read my blog).
6. Travel. Really, even when I have no one to travel with. It’s okay not to be able to travel when because I can’t. Can’t force myself to travel when I don’t have money, time or the right companionship. I can always travel in the future, but can’t force myself to travel for the sake of travelling (and then show off on the social network)
7. Don’t date. At all. Unless they prove their worth. The right person will come up when you’re least expecting. In the meantime, I have other stuff to worry about. 
8. Write more in this blog.

Ever since the beginning of this year, I’ve been trying to work on myself. Essentially on my personality and attitude.

  1. I want to be kinder.  Not chocolate Kinder. I want to be a kind person. I want to be nice and helpful. When I can, and when I’m at the right place, I want to help.
  2. I want to be patient.  Patience is a luxury, and yes, sometimes we don’t have everything under control, and sometimes we can be anxious and paranoid. But there’s still an inner poise we can still focus on. And patience makes us feel relaxed and content I suppose.
  3. I want to know myself better. I started doing that many years ago by writing down my feelings, and I also tend to speak to myself when I’m alone. And it helps. It helps let obnoxious feelings out, and it helps understand where they might come from. Exploring feelings helps exploring the self. I try not to let things in, at least not with myself.

 

 

 

My home town, not my homeland

I should be entirely ashamed of my feelings. I should repent the way I feel.

I was driving back to the my home town, to see my family. I do that every other weekend.

The minute I entered my hometown, instead of feeling nostalgic I felt alienated. I cursed my home town.

I cursed my home town.

Kos o5tek yaft ‘lnsari.

I cursed my home town.

I hate you.

I hate everything here.

(Except my family,

and my childhood memories.)

My home town…

Where people spy on each other.

Where people talk shit about each other.

Where people kill each other… over money and honor.

My home town…

where people are extremely religious, and live back in the 15th century.

And where girls, my age, younger and older, look the fucking same.

Same hair, same jeans, same t-shirt.

And I look hideous in my sweats and my Amsterdam t-shirt.

With my untamed hair, and brain.

I flew outside of the city to find another place in which I can feel comfortably alienated.

 

March 3, 2018

(N)Ever Have I Ever

So apparently we live in w a world that wants us to dare do as many things as possible.

I found this post on some Facebook group, and apparently the fewer points you get the cooler you are. Because everything on the list is adventurous activities you must be proud to “Have ever” done them.

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Everything becomes a competition, and to be able to present yourself to the world as an interesting, sophisticated, adventurous person you have to do many things you wouldn’t do if you were a normal person, or you’d have a normal living situations.

Looking at the above picture, I find myself wondering: What if I can’t give birth? Can I still be a daring person? What if I’m not rich, and I can’t go on a cruise trip?

Do I really have to do many things to prove myself as a daring person who likes going on adventures? What if I find the life I’m living an adventure? What if I don’t want to go scuba diving or skydiving? What if I don’t like tattoos? or weird piercings? why do I need to do daring things to be a daring person?

And when it comes to accomplishments, why do I need to be a person who keeps accomplishing things? isn’t my life an accomplishment by itself? Shouldn’t I be satisfied with whatever I have now?

I hear people saying constantly that they love trying and accomplishing new things every day, but isn’t that tiring? to never have the ability to be satisfied with what you have for a bit, and then when you’re quite at your leisure, you can try new thing?

January deaths

New year began, with January. New year’s resolution we want to begin with, but there’s no time. Maybe after we finish our current assignments we can hit the gym to work out more. And after finishing some papers and exams, we can read more books we wanted to read a while ago.

There’s no time to start working on our new year’s resolution. There’s no time to start working on our new selves.

And there’s no time to say Goodbye to the dead.

January started with many posts of death announcements on the social network. I check my Facebook every day to find it flooded with death announcements. Many has died: old, and young.

January is still not over, and this month I saw around five death announcements of people I know.

“My condolences.” and “Sorry for your loss.” is now a mantra.

Has it been like that for a while? for January to bring deaths? and people  to wait until after the holidays to die?

Why is it that January has to come with death?

Why does the beginning of the year must bring many ends?

Why is January the month of depression and grief?

I’m anxious.

 

A poem I wrote few years ago:
Goodbye January
“Frigid January,
the month of death,
Why could not you resurrect?”
(2013)

Morning rain

It’s six thirty in the morning. I woke up. I don’t wake up that early, but I’m happy I can get out of bed at that hour. I hear the rain falling down so heavily.

It’s a bit chilly. I wake up and look at my window near my bed. It’s all foggy.

It’s the perfect time for a cup of coffee. I enjoy every sip and every drop of rain.

It rarely rains. It rarely rains when I’m at my cozy home, having the chance to sit cozily with my cup of coffee.

It’s comfortable. It’s safe. It’s a bran new day – filled with new opportunities.

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From my window – Haifa Nov 22, 2017

New name, new address, new home

I decided to change the address of my blog. From arwa13.wordpress.com to strawberryfields.blog. (Yes, it’s the first time I’m using and paying for another plan on wordpress.com).

I’ve been blogging on WordPress for more than ten years, and I’m the most satisfied with this platform. It provides easy blogging, and the blogs/sites look professional and modern. I always enjoy using WordPress and like to explore every feature it provides.

Last month I made a decision that I’m going to upgrade my account to the paid personal plan. My weblog is personal, and I don’t think it should change. I share my personal experience, thoughts and writing. I wanted to boost my blog and give it a more fancy address which includes a domain.

I spent a month thinking about a new domain for the website. And I knew I couldn’t be creative enough to come up with a very unique and creative name, so I looked at titles of my favorite old songs. And it wasn’t easy, and it was nearly impossible to find something that would look like a name of a blog, until I decided that the name Strawberry Fields would sound so poetic and simple at the same time.

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Strawberry Fields Forever is a song by one of my favorite all time musical bands in the whole world, and maybe I shouldn’t have used it as a title of my blog, but I feel that my blog itself is a fields of Strawberry.

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It’s getting hard to be someone
But it all works out

It was part of the fantasy

“For some it wasn’t perfect, for others it was totally wrong, for me it was the fantasy …”

Me, seven years ago, after a college Theatre performance

It was seven years ago, when I was a child. I was naive, and I wanted to learn. I was eager and passionate, and I had no idea how to learn. I’d known I was a special one, and I needed to exploit my distinguished personality.

I was at the wrong place, the wrong stage, in front of the wrong audience. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was constantly surrounded by the wrong people. People who didn’t understand my essence or my desires and passions.

I imagined myself performing my own fictional identities. And I had some of them, most of them were beautiful and pure.

 

New Year – not too much of a big deal

I was thinking about the whole perception of “The New Year”, and “new beginnings”. I was thinking about the notion behind writing New Year’s resolutions, and why we do that.

I live in a country that doesn’t really make a huge fuss about celebrating the New Year. It’s considered a Christian holiday, and as a Christian you take a day off from work/school and celebrate the holiday with your family.

I go online and I see people writing thing about not bringing their 2017 problems to 2018, or starting new adventures in 2018, etc. And I’m sitting here, thinking that after 2018 I’m going back to work, and to my school assignments.

2018 will not be any different from 2017, or 2016 or any year. It’s just another year, and another number. Time goes on, and we’re only responsible for our actions, decisions and what we do in our lives, regardless of the concept of our plans for the upcoming year.

For instance, I want to write more in 2018. I simply plan to write more in the future, regardless if it’s 2018, or 2019. I want to lose weight this upcoming year, but I’ve been saying that for the last 5 years (when I started gaining weights again). It has nothing to do with the New Year, we’re just taking this new year as an excuse to start thinking about decisions we’ve made.

2017 has been a great year for me: not great as only in a positive sense. It has been a year filled with both success, failure and great changes. I simply wish that 2018 would turn to be a calmer year. Though I have a feeling, it wouldn’t be.

I wrote few resolutions for the New Year (See previous post), and even though I don’t need the number 2018, or the term New Year’s resolution to write them down, I felt great writing them down. And sometimes I feel that we should write resolutions every few months. Simply because we need to be hopeful that we’re doing good things in our lives. Regardless if we feel like taking breaks from accomplishments, or just hoping to accomplish more in our lives. Knowing that we can improve our lives makes us carry on living an exciting life.

Sometimes I feel that if I have no resolutions to think of, I have no life to live, and I might as well do nothing in my life, or die.

Keep writing resolutions. These are just plans that will make us believe that we can become better versions of ourselves.

And Happy New Year!

December 2017 – Christmas and New Year

It was Christmas few days ago. And for some reason, I’m kind of glad it’s over. Indeed it’s the most joyous holiday or time of the year. But the fact that it’s considered the greatest holiday of the year, puts a lot of pressure on me as an ordinary person who has no idea how to celebrate. And my life isn’t a great accomplishment: I’m nearing the age of 30 and I’m still single. For my family, I have nothing to be proud of.

This year has been a great year for me. I started writing down everything that has happened to me this year, and I highlighted two elements that made my 2017 a great year. For many people my accomplishments this year are nothing, but for me they made a huge difference in my life, and I feel that for the first time in my life, I am indeed happy that the current year was not a complete waste.

I always measure my success with my previous accomplishments (that is when I convince my self to avoid comparing myself to others). I always measure my age with my previous age. I am in a complete different place than I were 5 years ago. And that is indeed amazing. Five years ago I had no real job, and I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Sometimes I still feel that I have no idea what I want to do, but I have a good job, and I’m preparing for Master Studies. I’m not entirely a different person, but my lifestyle has changed, and perhaps for so many people, like my family, I still lack the husband. It’s like I chose to lack a husband.

I think I’m blessed that the year 2017 made me go through an adventure: losing a job, moving to a new apartment, trying to find a job, doing some activities, wasting time on nothing, and finally find a good job and go back to the academy.

Just because I have no one to share my year with, it doesn’t mean I can be put down for just a minute. I have many plans for the future, and I can’t wait to see what happens next year. Though I’m a bit under the weather these few days, and I can’t feel hopeful, I should remind myself that I’m doing fine, and things will be fine.

 

I’m going to write few resolutions for 2018 now:  (very simple and casual)
1. Lose weight (and workout more).
2. No more wasting money on clothes (which don’t fit me that well).
3. Study more. Just a bit more.
4. Go out less. (it’s not like I go out a lot, and it’s not like I’m missing anything out there).
5. Reduce the number of my friends. Not all of them are worth it (no worried, my friends don’t really read my blog).
6. Travel. Really, even when I have no one to travel with.
7. Don’t date. At all. Unless they prove their worth.
8. Write more in this blog.

I just hope to keep at least half of these resolutions.

Cheers to everyone who’s reading my blog. Just don’t get too drunk on New Year’s Eve. I know I will, if I physically feel better by then.

This month I turned 28

October is a very important month for me: mainly because during this month, on the 13th, it’s my birthday.

I never had the opportunity to have a very special celebration for my birthday. I always celebrate my birthday with few friends and some members of my family. I don’t have many friends, I know many people, but no one loves me enough to organize a grand celebration for my birthday.

I spent my birthday at the Dead Sea with some members of my family, which for me was enough. The whole day was not organized for me specifically, I merely joined. But it was fine. We spent few hours at the Dead Sea and the rest were on the road. It was fine.

And I keep saying fine, because it wasn’t entirely amazing, but it wasn’t that bad. I could have spent my birthday in bed, logging in to Facebook every two seconds to check who wished me a Happy Birthday.

On the day of my birthday, I had the chance to see a relative of mine in the US, whom I visited ten years ago, in New York, on my birthday. “Ten years ago, today, you were waiting for us at the airport.” I was 18 years old. I was young, just finished high school, and had no idea how the world works. I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was aiming for in life. Not saying I do now, but I changed, a lot.

Now, I’m 28 years old. I’m older, a bit wiser, and more successful than I was 5 years ago, let alone 10 years ago. I have a good job, and I started studying for Masters degree in English literature. Some people would never think this is a great achievement, but for me, it definitely is. I try not to compare myself to other people around me, but sometimes I do. But mostly, I would compare myself and my lifestyle now to my lifestyle 5 years ago, and this is a success for me.

I’m 28, almost 30. I’m single, and mostly tired and depressed. But why does that have to negative? I don’t need a lot. I’m a very simple person, and when I lack anything, I try to find a way to obtain it. As long as I spend my days and night doing what I feel comfortable doing, why do I have to worry much?

Je suis contente.